What is the world coming to?

They say life mimic art. Well, what happens when life mimics disaster movies? Well then, we are all screwed. Thanks to such terrible movies as The Core, Dante’s Peak, Volcano, The Day After Tomorrow, 2012, Earthquake, Avalanche, Deep Impact, Hard Rain, Waterworld, Twister, Signs, Quarantine, War of the Worlds, etc…the human race can be exterminated by all sorts of terrible calamities. These include the premise of all of those movie ranging from global warming, tornadoes, floods, earthquakes, tsunamis, hurricanes, volcanoes, meteors, aliens, and epidemics. We are all screwed. Couple that with man-made disasters such as nuclear holocaust or a man-made virus such as AIDS or H1N1 (swine flu for the lay person) we don’t stand a chance.

You want more examples of how Hollywood is ruining life as we know it? There was a volcano that just erupted in Iceland. Granted it didn’t erupt in Los Angeles, it still erupted. The earthquakes in Haiti and Chile that killed thousands are all thanks to such notable movies as Earthquake and The Core. Let’s not forget the massive snowstorms on the East Coast, that is a direct result of Roland Emmerich and The Day After Tomorrow. The list goes on.

My only hope is that John Cusack still saves the day whilst wearing a tie, or Kevin Costner grows fins to swim around and stuff, or Tommy Lee Jones saving people while a building falls on him. These remarkable people will save the human race. Oh and lets not forget about Tom Cruise. Thank you Tom Cruise for saving Dakota Fanning.

So, to put a finer point on the matter, do we need more disaster movies? The answer is both yes and no. We need them to create heroes to save our society, just as long as they are terrible actors who run around like idiots. We need them to create hope in a society where so much chaos surrounds us. And no, we don’t need anymore terrible movies like the ones listed above. I want to make a disaster movie where Chuck Norris is the star. A disaster movie where there is no disaster because Chuck Norris won’t let there be a disaster. If it gets cold, Chuck Norris would roundhouse kick old father winter. If there is a volcano crisis, Chuck Norris would judo pee into the caldera. If there are meteors coming towards Earth, Chuck Norris would ninja fart them back to Jupiter. If there is a nuclear holocaust, Chuck Norris would eat the atomic bombs for breakfast with his eggs, just because he likes them spicy. And if there is another disaster flick without Chuck Norris in it, he will karate chop Roland Emmerich’s face into little pieces of flesh and use those little pieces of flesh to feed the hungry.

This message is Chuck Norris approved by the Chuck Norris for President Super Friends Club of Carlisle, Iowa.

Horty!

Take the leap

Each day we are confronted with choices. For every choice there can be multiple outcomes and rewards or consequences. Which choice leaves us satisfied? Which choice leaves us waiting and wanting more? Which choice condemns another to suffer by the choice that they made against another?

All people are flawed. Human nature is a flawed system. Why is it in our innate character to create conflict? Do we all unconsciously stir up trouble just to become the victor?

I have recently encountered another difficult choice that I need to make. I am not afraid to speak what is true to my heart and correct in the eyes of so many others. I will not falter, I will not fail. This minor speed bump in my life will be countered by even better me than I have been before. I learn from my mistakes and gain experience from them. For all you geeks out there, I have 'leveled up' in life and will continue this true world role-playing game until there is nothing left to achieve. But the game of life is an achievement in and of itself. I achieve by being me and being real.

So make your choice. Take your leap. See what happens. I will always take mine, but I have a parachute, and I know where I will landl, do you?

Latres on the menjay

HORTY!

Women vs. Power Lines

Take two of the Women vs something completely random and un-related. Again, if you take offense to this then get a life, as you should know, I completly adore and admire women in all their quirks and subtelties. Enjoy the fun of poking fun at some extreme generalities!

1. If you live under one long enough you will lose your masculinity

2. When handled improperly, chances are high you will get shocked with high voltage electricity
3. They are sorely missed when their services are not available for your pleasure

4. Tall and slender seems to be the most desired look

4. When one is down, it takes a lot of people to bring it back up

6. When you find them, there are usually a lot of them present, but only one you want to climb up on

7. If it has been on the corner for a while, chances are that its been nailed many times

Thank You Top Ramen

In a world of economic down-turn and company bankruptcies, one company remains at the head of the game. I give you Maruchan Ramen.

This noodle maker extraordinaire does not slow its mass production of super-affordable culinary delights. But instead, the ingenious R and D department comes up with and is approved with yet another blockbuster flavor to accompany its already stellar list of broth flavoring.
Right on the heels of such amazing tastes as Chicken, Roasted Chicken, Oriental, Beef, and Pork, they come up with Chile flavor. Yes, I left out Shrimp because it smells like baby orangutan vomit. It even has its very own unique packaging. Green is the new orange. Chile will soon conquer your taste-buds and late night drunken cravings. It will give you a nice little spice to your night to accentuate you beer shits in the morning.

I suggest you venture out to your local grocer. For ten cents and four and half minutes you can be in Ramen Noodle heaven just like me.

During economic plunders, you don’t see Top Ramen asking for a bailout. College kids rejoice!

Women vs. Airlines

This will serve as my first recurring post in which I make seven general comparisons between women and a certain entity that is completely un-related. Why only seven you might ask? Because it's my blog and I do what I want! If I offend you with these generalizations, get a sense of humor as this is all in jest.

So without further gilding the lily, and with no more ado, I give you Women vs. Airlines!

7. Neither one is ever on-time.

6. Both are high in maintenance.

5. Both carry baggage, literally and physically.

4. Women and airlines usually operate with their heads in the clouds.

3. If you fly first class or are a first class lady, you don't pay for drinks.

2. If you have to buy it to ride it, you are left unsatisfied after all is said and done. Not to mention something of value will be lost or stolen (i.e. watch, cell phone, more money, or a whole bag!).

And the number one reason airlines and women are similar...

1. In one year they will both spend more money than they make!

Promiscuity and Lies

It is that time of year again. It is time for VD! I wish everybody the best VD! Share your VD with somebody special and the love will spread throughout everybody you know, your friends, your family, everybody.

What is VD to me, you ask? VD is special to me in so many ways, because so many people enjoy VD. Both fortunately, and unfortunately for myself, I will not be participating with VD this year. I have nobody to share my VD with. But don't be sad for me, be sad for the person that will not be receiving my VD gift. Instead I will be enjoying a nice VD pizza in the shape of a heart. I might possibly get a milkshake, not red of course, I'm thinking a nice green Shamrock Shake with two straws so I can feel special that I am enjoying VD all by myself...I will utilize straws which means twice as much milkshake for me, and you know that milkshake brings all the boys to the yard.

So everybody, Enjoy your VD and spread the love!

Horty OUT!

Cut Me Off With Courtesy

Every day I ride my motorcycle to and from work. It is no surprise to me when an ignorant road whore cuts me off. Most of the time I just grin and bear it because really, what am I going to do? There are a few different kinds of people that will cut off a biker going 70 mph. I will outline such road whores for your reading pleasure.

Road Whore #1-The Non-Committed

This bastard of a driver will drive for a mile with their blinker on when the lane ends and try to merge into my lane. While I will not speed up due to photo-radar, nor slow down due to a time crunch to be ontime to work, this driver will remain the same speed right beside me. He will not speed up nor slow down to get into the appropriate lane, no matter if there is a car in front or behind me. Then the lane merges and I am either forced to speed up or slow down, risking a ticket or being late for work.

Road Whore #2-The Over-Committed

This master of freak out is completely over committed to merging into my lane. Without a moment's notice, a turn signal is on and the pricey SUV is halfway into my lane. My choices are become street wax from the H3 who is trying to be economical by driving a fuel efficient godzilla, become street wax from the car in the other lane, or master driving perfectly straight on the dotted line while not freaking out by being inches from a car on either side.

Road Whore #3-I'm Sorry

This generous driver is my favorite. After they make the mistake of not checking their blind spot they are in mid-merge and finally decide to check for me. They inevitably see me and return safely to their lane. As I pass the driver they flash an apologetic smile and wave. No harm, no foul.

Road Whore #4-Still Does Not See Me

This is my most loathed road whore. This driver is the Over-Committed but with a catch. Out of all the drivers, with the exception of the I'm Sorry driver, it is my right to give the most coveted hand gesture around, The High Flying F You! After being nearly killed, I fly the middle finger right beside the driver's side window. That usually gets the message across that they are retarded and need to watch where they are driving. However, this road whore still does not see me after honking and a middle finger four inches from the window. In my experience, these driver's are usually of an ethnic lineage. Why are they bad drivers? Only God, Allah, Sheevah, Buddah, or whoever they worship knows the answer to that question. Nothing infuriates me more after being cut-off and ignored on the road to being cut-off and ignored when I try to say F-You!

So please, in the future, if you cut me off, give me my just rewards in almost having my life taken. Let me show you my middle finger so you can be freaked out that a biker wants to kick your ass! I guarantee you will be looking in your mirror for me until you get to your destination.