Thank You Top Ramen

In a world of economic down-turn and company bankruptcies, one company remains at the head of the game. I give you Maruchan Ramen.

This noodle maker extraordinaire does not slow its mass production of super-affordable culinary delights. But instead, the ingenious R and D department comes up with and is approved with yet another blockbuster flavor to accompany its already stellar list of broth flavoring.
Right on the heels of such amazing tastes as Chicken, Roasted Chicken, Oriental, Beef, and Pork, they come up with Chile flavor. Yes, I left out Shrimp because it smells like baby orangutan vomit. It even has its very own unique packaging. Green is the new orange. Chile will soon conquer your taste-buds and late night drunken cravings. It will give you a nice little spice to your night to accentuate you beer shits in the morning.

I suggest you venture out to your local grocer. For ten cents and four and half minutes you can be in Ramen Noodle heaven just like me.

During economic plunders, you don’t see Top Ramen asking for a bailout. College kids rejoice!

Women vs. Airlines

This will serve as my first recurring post in which I make seven general comparisons between women and a certain entity that is completely un-related. Why only seven you might ask? Because it's my blog and I do what I want! If I offend you with these generalizations, get a sense of humor as this is all in jest.

So without further gilding the lily, and with no more ado, I give you Women vs. Airlines!

7. Neither one is ever on-time.

6. Both are high in maintenance.

5. Both carry baggage, literally and physically.

4. Women and airlines usually operate with their heads in the clouds.

3. If you fly first class or are a first class lady, you don't pay for drinks.

2. If you have to buy it to ride it, you are left unsatisfied after all is said and done. Not to mention something of value will be lost or stolen (i.e. watch, cell phone, more money, or a whole bag!).

And the number one reason airlines and women are similar...

1. In one year they will both spend more money than they make!

Promiscuity and Lies

It is that time of year again. It is time for VD! I wish everybody the best VD! Share your VD with somebody special and the love will spread throughout everybody you know, your friends, your family, everybody.

What is VD to me, you ask? VD is special to me in so many ways, because so many people enjoy VD. Both fortunately, and unfortunately for myself, I will not be participating with VD this year. I have nobody to share my VD with. But don't be sad for me, be sad for the person that will not be receiving my VD gift. Instead I will be enjoying a nice VD pizza in the shape of a heart. I might possibly get a milkshake, not red of course, I'm thinking a nice green Shamrock Shake with two straws so I can feel special that I am enjoying VD all by myself...I will utilize straws which means twice as much milkshake for me, and you know that milkshake brings all the boys to the yard.

So everybody, Enjoy your VD and spread the love!

Horty OUT!

Cut Me Off With Courtesy

Every day I ride my motorcycle to and from work. It is no surprise to me when an ignorant road whore cuts me off. Most of the time I just grin and bear it because really, what am I going to do? There are a few different kinds of people that will cut off a biker going 70 mph. I will outline such road whores for your reading pleasure.

Road Whore #1-The Non-Committed

This bastard of a driver will drive for a mile with their blinker on when the lane ends and try to merge into my lane. While I will not speed up due to photo-radar, nor slow down due to a time crunch to be ontime to work, this driver will remain the same speed right beside me. He will not speed up nor slow down to get into the appropriate lane, no matter if there is a car in front or behind me. Then the lane merges and I am either forced to speed up or slow down, risking a ticket or being late for work.

Road Whore #2-The Over-Committed

This master of freak out is completely over committed to merging into my lane. Without a moment's notice, a turn signal is on and the pricey SUV is halfway into my lane. My choices are become street wax from the H3 who is trying to be economical by driving a fuel efficient godzilla, become street wax from the car in the other lane, or master driving perfectly straight on the dotted line while not freaking out by being inches from a car on either side.

Road Whore #3-I'm Sorry

This generous driver is my favorite. After they make the mistake of not checking their blind spot they are in mid-merge and finally decide to check for me. They inevitably see me and return safely to their lane. As I pass the driver they flash an apologetic smile and wave. No harm, no foul.

Road Whore #4-Still Does Not See Me

This is my most loathed road whore. This driver is the Over-Committed but with a catch. Out of all the drivers, with the exception of the I'm Sorry driver, it is my right to give the most coveted hand gesture around, The High Flying F You! After being nearly killed, I fly the middle finger right beside the driver's side window. That usually gets the message across that they are retarded and need to watch where they are driving. However, this road whore still does not see me after honking and a middle finger four inches from the window. In my experience, these driver's are usually of an ethnic lineage. Why are they bad drivers? Only God, Allah, Sheevah, Buddah, or whoever they worship knows the answer to that question. Nothing infuriates me more after being cut-off and ignored on the road to being cut-off and ignored when I try to say F-You!

So please, in the future, if you cut me off, give me my just rewards in almost having my life taken. Let me show you my middle finger so you can be freaked out that a biker wants to kick your ass! I guarantee you will be looking in your mirror for me until you get to your destination.