Women vs. Airplanes

After a long hiatus I have returned!  Please, hold your applause until the end.  I know you have all missed me, all six or seven of you.  Either that or you just don't really care which is fine too.  If my mind doesn't get too fried from all the work, school, and single-father commitments, I will try to continue speaking my piece every week or so.  I don't really care if people are interested in what I have to say, but I'll just say it anyways because it makes me giggle like a school girl hooked on Pop Rocks and diet soda. 

That being said, welcome back to the oddity that is me...hope you enjoy.

1. When there is something wrong, big or small, it usually takes hours to fix the problem…


2. All the good ones that will take you anywhere you want to go have babies in them already…

3. They can be extremely loud and difficult to talk over…

4. You will never find one that isn’t carrying a bag or two…

5. You must always be prepared for a rough landing on any given day…

6. When you are inside a small one it can feel a little tight…

7. They are almost always very awesome to look at...

There.  You have it.  Are you happy now?  Please send me a comment so that I know somebody cares.  No... Fine.   Until next time,   Horty AWAAAAYYYYYY 

What's Next Michael Phelps?

So the 2012 London Olympics are concluding and the most decorated Olympian of all time is retiring.  What will the mumbling man-fish do with his time now?  If I were to take a guess, I believe that he will try his luck in film. 

I can see it now...Michael Phelps starring in Michael Phelps: The Untold Story of Michael Phelps, as told by Michael Phelps.  Written by Michael Phelps.  Directed by Michael Phelps.  Produced by Michael Phelps.  Ryan Lochte was originally going to play Michael Phelps, but he will probably decline because his biggest regret in his career is that he is not Michael Phelps.  Missy Franklin would have been next in line to play Mr. Wondertrout, but she will opt to further her education and graduate from middle school. 

This film will hold everything you can expect from an Olympic blockbuster.  Triumphs of winning 22 gold medals that are actually made of silver, heartache in the form of Gabby Douglas losing her six foot pet fish to the trials of world renown, and humor at the sight of Michael Phelps actually trying to act like Michael Phelps. 

This film will be acclaimed as one of the best sports movies of all time.  It will be in the ranks of such great movies as Rocky 5, Caddyshack 2, and Ladybugs. 

What is the world coming to?

They say life mimic art. Well, what happens when life mimics disaster movies? Well then, we are all screwed. Thanks to such terrible movies as The Core, Dante’s Peak, Volcano, The Day After Tomorrow, 2012, Earthquake, Avalanche, Deep Impact, Hard Rain, Waterworld, Twister, Signs, Quarantine, War of the Worlds, etc…the human race can be exterminated by all sorts of terrible calamities. These include the premise of all of those movie ranging from global warming, tornadoes, floods, earthquakes, tsunamis, hurricanes, volcanoes, meteors, aliens, and epidemics. We are all screwed. Couple that with man-made disasters such as nuclear holocaust or a man-made virus such as AIDS or H1N1 (swine flu for the lay person) we don’t stand a chance.

You want more examples of how Hollywood is ruining life as we know it? There was a volcano that just erupted in Iceland. Granted it didn’t erupt in Los Angeles, it still erupted. The earthquakes in Haiti and Chile that killed thousands are all thanks to such notable movies as Earthquake and The Core. Let’s not forget the massive snowstorms on the East Coast, that is a direct result of Roland Emmerich and The Day After Tomorrow. The list goes on.

My only hope is that John Cusack still saves the day whilst wearing a tie, or Kevin Costner grows fins to swim around and stuff, or Tommy Lee Jones saving people while a building falls on him. These remarkable people will save the human race. Oh and lets not forget about Tom Cruise. Thank you Tom Cruise for saving Dakota Fanning.

So, to put a finer point on the matter, do we need more disaster movies? The answer is both yes and no. We need them to create heroes to save our society, just as long as they are terrible actors who run around like idiots. We need them to create hope in a society where so much chaos surrounds us. And no, we don’t need anymore terrible movies like the ones listed above. I want to make a disaster movie where Chuck Norris is the star. A disaster movie where there is no disaster because Chuck Norris won’t let there be a disaster. If it gets cold, Chuck Norris would roundhouse kick old father winter. If there is a volcano crisis, Chuck Norris would judo pee into the caldera. If there are meteors coming towards Earth, Chuck Norris would ninja fart them back to Jupiter. If there is a nuclear holocaust, Chuck Norris would eat the atomic bombs for breakfast with his eggs, just because he likes them spicy. And if there is another disaster flick without Chuck Norris in it, he will karate chop Roland Emmerich’s face into little pieces of flesh and use those little pieces of flesh to feed the hungry.

This message is Chuck Norris approved by the Chuck Norris for President Super Friends Club of Carlisle, Iowa.

Horty!

Take the leap

Each day we are confronted with choices. For every choice there can be multiple outcomes and rewards or consequences. Which choice leaves us satisfied? Which choice leaves us waiting and wanting more? Which choice condemns another to suffer by the choice that they made against another?

All people are flawed. Human nature is a flawed system. Why is it in our innate character to create conflict? Do we all unconsciously stir up trouble just to become the victor?

I have recently encountered another difficult choice that I need to make. I am not afraid to speak what is true to my heart and correct in the eyes of so many others. I will not falter, I will not fail. This minor speed bump in my life will be countered by even better me than I have been before. I learn from my mistakes and gain experience from them. For all you geeks out there, I have 'leveled up' in life and will continue this true world role-playing game until there is nothing left to achieve. But the game of life is an achievement in and of itself. I achieve by being me and being real.

So make your choice. Take your leap. See what happens. I will always take mine, but I have a parachute, and I know where I will landl, do you?

Latres on the menjay

HORTY!

Women vs. Power Lines

Take two of the Women vs something completely random and un-related. Again, if you take offense to this then get a life, as you should know, I completly adore and admire women in all their quirks and subtelties. Enjoy the fun of poking fun at some extreme generalities!

1. If you live under one long enough you will lose your masculinity

2. When handled improperly, chances are high you will get shocked with high voltage electricity
3. They are sorely missed when their services are not available for your pleasure

4. Tall and slender seems to be the most desired look

4. When one is down, it takes a lot of people to bring it back up

6. When you find them, there are usually a lot of them present, but only one you want to climb up on

7. If it has been on the corner for a while, chances are that its been nailed many times

Thank You Top Ramen

In a world of economic down-turn and company bankruptcies, one company remains at the head of the game. I give you Maruchan Ramen.

This noodle maker extraordinaire does not slow its mass production of super-affordable culinary delights. But instead, the ingenious R and D department comes up with and is approved with yet another blockbuster flavor to accompany its already stellar list of broth flavoring.
Right on the heels of such amazing tastes as Chicken, Roasted Chicken, Oriental, Beef, and Pork, they come up with Chile flavor. Yes, I left out Shrimp because it smells like baby orangutan vomit. It even has its very own unique packaging. Green is the new orange. Chile will soon conquer your taste-buds and late night drunken cravings. It will give you a nice little spice to your night to accentuate you beer shits in the morning.

I suggest you venture out to your local grocer. For ten cents and four and half minutes you can be in Ramen Noodle heaven just like me.

During economic plunders, you don’t see Top Ramen asking for a bailout. College kids rejoice!

Women vs. Airlines

This will serve as my first recurring post in which I make seven general comparisons between women and a certain entity that is completely un-related. Why only seven you might ask? Because it's my blog and I do what I want! If I offend you with these generalizations, get a sense of humor as this is all in jest.

So without further gilding the lily, and with no more ado, I give you Women vs. Airlines!

7. Neither one is ever on-time.

6. Both are high in maintenance.

5. Both carry baggage, literally and physically.

4. Women and airlines usually operate with their heads in the clouds.

3. If you fly first class or are a first class lady, you don't pay for drinks.

2. If you have to buy it to ride it, you are left unsatisfied after all is said and done. Not to mention something of value will be lost or stolen (i.e. watch, cell phone, more money, or a whole bag!).

And the number one reason airlines and women are similar...

1. In one year they will both spend more money than they make!